People say that love doesn't exist at a young age, but personally, I believe it will come upon you whenever you share that special moment with that someone who really understands you and cares for you, when everyone else in the world passes by you without even seeing you. Being alone is something that I was always afraid of, even though boys would never leave me alone. I don't find myself attractive, or interesting, so I don't know why I've been chased by a certain number of guys whenever they find me to be single. I never wanted to date, to fall in love, or even have sex before marriage, but all within the amount of a few years that changed.
My first was supposed to be my forever, or so I thought. When someone stops to talk to you every day, you feel cared for, and of course everyone loves to be noticed and wanted, but why is it that some people don't understand the way I feel? or felt at least... I talked to him every single day, we shared so many smiles and laughs, but people said that he wasn't right for me. For the longest time I didn't understand why, and even now I don't. Yeah, sure we would have fights a couple times a week or every so often, but we were happy... right?? In all honesty, I know it wasn't the perfect relationship, but none is.. It's not like he was physically abusive. sure maybe we had some times were he was a little rough, or controlling because of his anger, but he never meant to hurt me, and he never really did.
After a year a dating, we decided to have sex, even though we both wanted to wait... oops? oh,well... but even before that, we planned not to do anything, but it's amazing how the flesh will drive you to do something that your spirit is so against. Then again, when you put your body in situations where instinct and drive can easily take over, it doesn't end up in the best way. People had always told me, don't put yourself in situations like that, and normally my response was, I can stop when I want.... well, that wasn't exactly what my flesh was wanting. The more intimate me and my boyfriend were, the harder it was to control my wants. It sucks, to be honest. Not having exact control over your flesh and body. not fun!
When I was with him, I felt so wanted and so loved that I didn't want anything else. I felt so comfortable with him, we went all the way... Woaahh!! yeahh! not smart! It was only one time, than two, than three... and so on. To the point where our flesh and hormones were in control. It got to the point where I had several scares, and I was afraid that I was going to end up pregnant. But being a girl, fantasizing the future and life a little early, I began to think that maybe a baby wouldn't be all that bad. Yikes! How dumb was I!? Protection was the least of our concern, because we began not to care, and then the more our bodies were in control. In fear that I was becoming addicted to sex, I began to go into a deeper depression, and also a deeper attachment to my knight in shining armor, the more arguments that began to break out. Sex began to be the only thing keeping us together! ya... ick I know! This is what we would call a relationship gone bad! We acted as if we were married! We had countless of sleepovers, and did everything together. It was nice to be so intimate with someone like him, because I loved him, and I still do, but I was completely over-stepping my boundaries of not only self control but my relationship with the Lord.
The moral of this little blog/story/event whatever you want to call it, is that, you need to include God in ALL things you do. If you wouldn't do something if God was standing in the same room with you, don't do it at all, besides, he is all knowing anyways. I did the same thing that I promised myself I would never do, and instead of pulling myself out of it, I tumbled deeper and deeper making it into a worse situation. Being in such a serious relationship and only being in high school ruined my relationship with God, and because of that, depression and anxiety overtook me. I lost sight of what was true and right. Being away from all of that temptation is refreshing to my spirit and is helping me seek out God and learn to live fully for him. I've been so connected with him, and because of that I've felt the true love of God, which is overwhelming! Ufftah! Praise God for mercy and grace. I thank God for everything he has given me, and I give him all the glory! God's love is so much greater than any love that men can give, it's not even comparable.
Until next time, stay true to yourself and know that God is always right there waiting for you.
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